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"my best friend"

it's 1.52 in the morning and i'm still awake.
i was supposed to be up looking for information about a "tokoh". but the internet is really cranky. hey, don't blame me for not having broadband. T_T i've decided to blog about a person i really care about today. because i miss her so. so so much.




the housemy heart is filled with silenceemptiness.


i came across a blog just now and cried. hahs. in fact, those tears are still trickling down my cheeks as i type these words. i feel like such a nincompoop. i really do. i never knew. really, i never knew.

to my dearest bestest friend:

*you know who you are*

kesayanganku yang tersayang dan disayang-sayangi.. [heh..?] we've known each other for about 7 years or so. best friends since the ending of primary school. neighbours since God-knows-when. thus, i'm going to keep this as simple as possible. here goes..

*ahem ahem*

i'm really sorry that you feel that way towards us right now. i never meant to hurt you.. or even disappoint you.. or in the slightest way anger you. i haven't been able to contact you lately because my prepaid doesn't permit me to. you know how things are at home. but dear, i swear, i still fucking care about you a fucking-ouh-so-much. i always have. in the past, even before he came into our private lives, in the present, and in the future, because i'd never want to let you go as a best friend. NEVER.

i've been thinking about you the past few days. in class, during lessons, at home, while i'm finishing my homework.. [now don't go thinking i'm not straight. i just really care about you.] i've been spending my time wondering what i did wrong. wondering if i had been a bad friend; if i had been a BAD best friend.

it kills me to know that i wasn't there for you at your deepest saddest moments, when you were there for me when i was going through mine. i feel like a bitch, cause i couldn't even ring you up or go over to comfort you even if habibah would be at home. i've been too caught up with my problems and i admit that i've been a selfish jackass, for not thinking about yours enough.

somehow, i saw all this coming. i knew that one of us would blow up, but i didn't expect it to be you.. i guess i never realised how lost i'd feel without you around. i can't concentrate on any shits i do nowadays anymore. i just keep hearing your cheerful loud voice blaring in my head. then all of a sudden i'd start tearing. tearing non-stop. yes, i may sound obsessive over you.. but it's not because i'm trying to joke around, saying i'm not straight or anything. i mean to say, that i really, really care about you.. and i really do feel as though i've lost something important and dear to me ever since that day happened.

and i guess... i thought you'd be able to take care of yourself, until there comes a day where you can't take it anymore and you'd breakdown infront of us. i guess i wasn't sure of how to ask you about your problems when something was wrong, although you know i always did ask indirectly. i didn't want to confront your feelings face-to-face because i wouldn't want to "force" you to breakdown, at the wrong time or moment. that wouldn't be you.

in simple words:
i was stupid. because i didn't know what to do.

if you classify this stupidity of mine as the reason for being a bad best friend, well, i guess you're correct. for that, i'm really fucking sorry. i was never an expert in handling relationships, and i guessed that pissed you off quite a bit. i'm sorry for that too.. for i never realised the tremendous amount of stress i passed on to you everytime i felt hurt because of HIM.

you were always there for me.
please let me try to make amends.
promise, i won't let you down.
not anymore.


and there's nothing between me and him.
never was, never will be.

ouh yeah.. i dedicate the lyrics of my current blog song to you, my dear. i can't always be there for you.. i don't think i will be for much longer, but i'll try. and please do give me the chance to explain myself. hmm.. let's make the sunset-viewing this friday a reality, shall we? WE'LL be awaiting your answer. just drop us a text or a ring, okay?

and if you ask me the purpose of this blog entry, i wouldn't know what to say. i just want us to stay true to each other. haha. hmm.. seriously speaking..? what i hope would happen after this whole hu-ha is not a happily ever after. i just hope that the friendship between us three would be much stronger. cause that's the purpose of having fights/disagreements between friends. [to remind us that it'll all be okay someday.] and yeah, it'll be tough. but whoever said that making true best friends was an easy process...? =) i'm sure you understand. x)


please forgive me my dear 160 neighbour. =)

they say.. "you never know how much something means to you until you lose it." how true this statement is... i just hope that we haven't lost you at all. please, dear. please.

goodbye.

p/s: i've decided. i hope it's a negative. and to YOU.. please don't fucking care about me anymore, cause i've stopped to fucking care about fucking you ever since 27th july 2006. all the best.