Designer: manikka
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"hurt."

for some reason, i'm crying.



i finally heard the song.
and now i'm confused all over again.
fucking confused.


fuck the vulgarities i'm using.
fuck the choice of clothes i wear.
fuck how pathetic my life is. [it's not my choice!]
fuck you. i'm sorry that my life ain't as perfect as yours.
fuck all that shit about me not helping you before.
fuck those lies you hurt me with.
fuck the tears i cried because of you at night.
fuck whatever stories you said to me.
fuck me for trusting you so much.
fuck the shits that i'm facing now.
fuck those rumours that are spreading like wildfire.
fuck all those late night phone calls.
fuck what you called me before.
fuck you for lying to her.
fuck me for believing your promises.

and fuck it. my parents are divorced. don't discriminate me because of it. it's not my fucking fault. i'm dealing with it. i've been trying to deal with it since i was 4 bloody years old, dammit. you try having your parents divorced. you try having them fight in front of you, literally; resulting in bleeding faces and hospital fees that you can't afford. you try having no money for a long period of time. and i mean not having money to eat or pay your bloody god damn house bills - not to fucking go shopping. you try having to work your ass off to get a financial balance in your house.

you try having a broken family dammit. you try having a mother who's fucking sick and yet tries her fucking best to work to get some bloody income for the family. wait. what family? i don't even have a dad. ouh wait. i do. but he's living at tampines. with his other family. with my step mother and my step brother. ouh wow. you think it's cool? yeah, i think it's cool too - but will you ever truly love the people who tore your family apart? and would you really enjoy those fucking long bus rides you have to go through just to SEE your dad?

have you ever seen your dad crying, hoping you'd forgive him for all the wrong he has done to you, because he knows he would NEVER be able to reverse time? and would you even trust the words he say? knowing he has lied over and over again? would you even want to listen to his excuses and reasons?

have you ever seen your mother have an emotional breakdown right in front of you? what would you do if she did? and have you seen her banging her head on the wall; wishing everything would just end? how would you bloody feel?! seeing your MOTHER react that way towards life?!



there's a reason for every way i act towards each and every person. don't you dare try to criticise me for my actions before you know the reason behind it.

two major things i remember helping you with:
1. the n.e. t-shirt design. it got bloody chosen for the t-shirt. and who got all the fucking credit? you. you you you. i didn't even get recognised for it. fuck that.
2. remember when ginelle commented on your behaviour? yeah remember that? i spoke up for you. just to not get appreciated for anything. =/

i'm sick of it.
sick of being too kind to you.
okay?


ouh by the way.
my life isn't perfect, jannah.
neither is my sister's.
i'd prefer if we just end this fight here.


i only bitched about you, ****, because you bitched about me first.



p.s. ayam penyet, thank you for being my friend. thank you for speaking up for me. i love you a lot. and you know it. =) however.. i'd prefer it if you stop tagging her dear. i wouldn't want you to get any sins because of them. savvy?

dammit.
i think there'll be loads of comment about this post.
well, i'm sorry for it.

it's a blog.
it's my blog.
and i'm just voicing out my opinions.
yeah, it's only for today.
only for today.




goodbye.
[although i was never good at saying goodbyes.]